Phone Spam

I hate answering the phone. But I hate marketers even worse, so I inevitably pick up the phone even when it says Unknown Caller. In fact, I usually only pick up the phone when it's an unknown caller. I'm an all-day sucker.

Lately it's been for some guy named Phillip Anderson. It doesn't matter that I tell them they have the wrong number, they just hang up and try back later. I swear the next time they ask for him I'm going to pretend I'm him and see what happens. I'm guessing they're bill collectors. I'm gonna tell them the check's in the mail and see if they believe me. I'll even describe the check, tell them what color it was, what kind of pen I used to fill it out, and tell them I put the stamp on upside down, because that means I love you. I wish Phillip Anderson would pay his goddam bills on time or at least update his phone number so I don't have to take care of his problems.

The last phone call I got was the local newspaper. I subscribe to the Sunday paper so I can look at all the pretty ads for the local stores. Most the time we don't even get around to reading the actual paper itself, we just like to check out the specials at Target and what have you. Ever few months though I get a call and they tell me they're going to give me the rest of the week's papers for free, for a year. One year of free daily newspapers just by paying 2 bucks a week for the Sunday paper. I'd say they're a bunch of idiots, but I really think they're a bunch of dimwitted fuckers. Because every time they call I tell them thank you for your offer but I don't even read the one paper each week that I currently get.

Last time they called I warned them of how serious I was. I told them I was thinking of unsubscribing even to my Sunday paper because their phone calls were getting annoying. I told them if I got another telephone call I would cancel my Sunday paper. It was quiet for awhile while they respected my wishes, but I guess they got bored and decided to invade my privacy again.

And the worst ones are the firefighter and police associations. I've been suckered into giving to these a few times. Usually just 5 bucks so they could take some kids to the Shriner's circus. What kid really wants to go to the Shriner's circus anyway? Most kids want to hang out behind the mall and smoke cigarettes with their friends. Next time I feel like donating on the phone I'm going to drive to the mall and search out some poor looking kids and give them 5 bucks. That should make both of our days.