Daddy...

"Daddy, did you call me a dickhead?"

"No hon, the lady in front of us is a dickhead"

"Oh, ok, Daddy"

Out of the mouths of 3 1/2 year old babes it shall be spoken. The wife then goes on to inform me that I need to filter my car language.

"But Sweetheart, dickhead is filtering!"

Post Office Blues

Went to the PO today for the second time in as many weeks. I'm not sure what it is about the post office, but here in my town apparently they have no rules as to when/how people work the counters there.

Last time I went on a Thursday morning and there must've been 10 people in line, with 2 people behind the counters. One guy was with a little old lady for about 5-10 minutes, while the other one was helping someone with a problem, so it took about 20 minutes to send my package. I only went in because the auto-package sending machine wasn't large enough for my box. Occasionally an employee would come out from the back, step up to a counter, and you'd think maybe they were about to open up, only to psych you out by turning around and walking back to the back.

Today I went a little later than last time...still a Thursday, but around 10.30ish am. I was the only person in line. There was one guy ahead of me, standing at an empty counter. I probably waited about 5 minutes wondering whether he had even been helped, or whether we were just wasting our time. Finally a guy came back and apparently couldn't find his package. Then another employee came out from the back, went up to a counter, fishing around in a drawer for something, then headed back again. She came back a minute later and finally opened up that counter.

Seriously, who the hell is running the post office? I don't know why they call it 'going postal', those bastards have it pretty good down at my local spot. I'm tempted to throw my lot in with them.

Funny things

So I just got a call from my sister in law, Sarah. I almost didn't answer, because the caller id said, "Hnatiuk Vasil", and that pretty much spells trouble right there. Hnatiuk is very much an Eskimo name in my book, and Vasil is short for Vagisil, so no thanks, I don't want what you're selling.

But sometimes I just have to see who it is, so I picked it up. Sarah was calling from New York. She lives in L.A. but is out on the east coast for some reason or another (maybe or maybe not traveling under the alias Hnatiuk Vasil.

Anyway, Sarahnatiuk Vasilcole was calling me to tell me she was on the subway platform in New York and she ran into my sister, who lives in New York. They have only met once I believe, a year and a half ago at my wedding.

Crazy.

You wanna hear another crazy story? Not sure what made me remember this, but as I was driving home from Target today I was thinking about a weird thing that happened to me several years ago. I was living in Seattle, and lived maybe 2 blocks from work. I was walking along a bike/jogger path heading home, on a nice and bright spring day. I was overtaking a young lady also walking down the path, and she started talking to me. You know, the usual, isn't it a lovely day sort of stuff. And she's carrying a can of beer, some tallboy of Pabst or something. And she's like, You want a drink of beer? And I'm like, Sure. So I drank from her can, there on the bike trail behind work at 3 pm in the afternoon.

I'll always cherish that memory.

Other updates:

Got a new roof put on. Looks good. We'll see what happens when it rains, but it was a relatively painless experience.

Noah's learning new words every day. Hot, bowl, ball (these may be the same word), Bob-bob for Spongebob

Lexi's learning grown-up phrases. Sample: I was absolutely right, I need my footy pajamas because it's too cold.

Or this one: We were driving yesterday and a lady in front of me was being a moron (going too slow, not signaling, the usual). I'm like, "Come on!"
Lexi: What's wrong Daddy?
Me: Nothing, she's just being dumb.
Lexi:Are you mad?
Me: No, not really, just a little bit, more irritated
Lexi: You must be just a little bit mad, you didn't say fuck.
Me: You're right, I'm not mad enough to say fuck.
Me: Don't say fuck.

And with that, my resolution to swear less is not going so well.

From the mouths of babes

M was in the kitchen last night making dinner when Lexi said, "Mommy's booty is fat".

I got blamed for it. M asked who taught her to say that and she pointed straight at me. Didn't even have to think about it. But I'm innocent.

I would've taught her to say humongous.

Broken Bones

Noah learned the hard way on Saturday that climbing out of your crib is only the half of it. What he failed to learn is what to do once he's on the outside. Much as the newly released prisoner's good intentions go out the window when faced with an unlimited opportunity for mischief, so did his first escape from behind bars end in failure.

I wasn't in the room, so I only heard the big 'thud', but I think he must have landed on his wrist somehow and hurt it in the process. It's not broken, and he's not in a cast, but he got a little splint to wear for the next 3 weeks just to make sure he doesn't re-injure it.

It's tough as a parent knowing when he needs to go to the doctor and when he does not. I tend to be overly cautious about going to the doctor when I'm ill. And by overly cautious I mean I don't go to the doctor. Of course, I don't want my kids to be denied medical care if they really need it, but who's to say when they need it.

First thing I noticed was him grabbing his hurt wrist with his good hand. This was an indication that he was hurt. I did not fail to notice this. If you're keeping score at home, that's one point for me.

Next, I ran a series of what you might term 'amateur' lab tests on the affected area. I bent each finger back, one at a time, and noticed he only cried when it was at an angle that would make me cry if a giant was twisting my fingers into some unnatural position. I also had him make a fist, which he didn't do, but that's because of the language barrier. While I waited for the translator to arrive, I asked him to hold his froggy blanket in his hand, and he was able to do this. Success! No doctor's visit needed. I'm applying to medical school next week.

Over the last couple days I'd say he's been normal for about 95% of the time. It was just now and again when he'd trip and fall, catching himself with his hands, then he'd grab his wrist again with the other hand. Apparently this happened this morning at daycare, and Paula decided he was bad enough to make a doctor's appointment. I think she was worried that she had overstepped her boundaries in making that decision, but I was grateful that she had, because she's with him all day long and can tell when things don't seem right. Plus it was so very slow at work today, I was happy to get out of there.

Anyway, the doctor said he looks fine, gave him the splint just to be on the safe side, and now he's back in the crib, sleeping like a baby. With pillows scattered all over at the base of his crib.

Next we need to work on getting him some scars.

I Am A Crappy Movie?

Just watched I Am Legend tonight.

Horrible. Awful.

I got excited last year when I first heard about it. I had never read the book, but the premise sounded cool, so I went out and got it. Great story...made me want to see the movie even more.

Then I saw the trailer. Will Smith hitting golf balls and driving through Manhattan. Started to worry about this.

Then I saw the movie, and now I'm incredulous at how bad it was. It starts with deer running through the streets of NYC, before a lion comes out of nowhere and kills the deer. I'm sorry, where the hell did lions come from in New York? The zoo? Last I heard, lions needed warm weather. Couldn't be here if Will Smith is wearing a leather jacket and pants.

The ending sucked the worst.

I give it 1 star out of 5. The star is because it has zombie dogs, and those are pretty rad.

One might think...

One might think that I often have periods of amnesia...where I forget that I have this blog to write on. One would be wrong. Blogging is like drinking...the times I most want to drink are when I'm somewhere I don't want to be. Usually this is work. And it's usually about 2 pm.

By the time I get home at night, and feed the kids, and bathe them, and put pajamas on and get them to bed, I've either a. forgotten about what I was so worked up about earlier that I just HAD to write about, or b. (sorry, I just forgot what b. was going to be).

Anyway, for those of you that still drop by occasionally to see if I've updated this...

Go away!

For those still left after that...

Have hope. One day I'll remember to write more. Probably at the same time that I start drinking at 2 in the afternoon.

Happy Birthday, Brother!

Dear big brother of mine,

It's funny how how you went from the bully of my life to the hero. Ok, maybe not a terrible bully, but I do remember having spitting fights which you alway seemed to win. Being held down while you drooled on me or farted in my face. Taking me waterskiing only so you could whip the boat around and make me fall. Sending me a present on my birthday when you were in South Carolina. Going golfing with me and sneaking a cigarette out on the course when Dad wasn't looking (I'm blaming that one on you).

I think of how you listen to my opinions on life, even when they're strong and sometimes opposite of what you believe, knowing that being brothers counts more than changing someone else's belief. Yes, I remember always wanting to sleep in your bed as a kid since I was scared of the dark, and how you'd let me, but only after I got you a glass of water from the bathroom. I remember often spitting into this glass of water and feeling a little better about losing the spitting fight. Be glad you're not my sister, who's toothbrush I would sometimes dip in the toilet in retaliation for being a little bitchy :)

You're a great role-model to me, in how to stick close to your family and how to raise your children. I respect you and love you very much. Now get your own damn water!

Love,
Me.

Noah Two-Bath

Noah undertook his first spirit quest today, hereby earning his special Native American name, Noey Two-Bath.

I had just given him his bath and put his pajamas on. We went downstairs, and I was hoping to get him to stay downstairs with Grandpa so I could get Lexi in the bath, but he insisted on coming back up with us. As I was trying to shepherd them up the stairs, Noah got ahead of us. Since Grandma was up there already, I figured he was with her. But by the time we got to the top of the stairs, I peeked in the bathtub and Noah was sitting in the tub, in his pajamas, with water halfway up his belly.

So off go the soaking PJ's, off comes the wet diaper, and on go the new ones. Oh joy, oh joy.

We miss mommy!

More Pics

Happy Birthday Lexi!

Some pics from Lexi's 3rd birthday party. Had some of the kids from her daycare over, as well as some folks from work.

The kids got Strawberry Shortcake tattoos, and they all loved them.

Then we ate cupcakes and I went back to bed.

'super' delegates

Does the notion of super-delegates scare the hell out of you as well?

Vampire Weekend

Been hearing a lot about this band lately, Vampire Weekend.

At first listen, I immediately thought of Bishop Allen. Then I checked out their new album on iTunes. I still think Bishop Allen, mixed with Paul Simon.

Not a bad thing.

I don't know that this first album is going to cure cancer, but I think it's worth a few listens. Maybe a nice spring/summer album to chill to.

Hello, vampire weekend.

Funny Comments

I was reading a post on the Consumerist.com and scrolled down to read the comments, which are pretty typical for such a website. The consumerist is a place where you go and tell your retail nightmares. Then, in the comments section, half the readers call you a moron for shopping at places like Best Buy in the first place, while the other half yell at the first commenters to tell them to give you a break.

Anyway, the post I was reading was about a deaf woman who went through a drive-thru at a fast food place, and pulled around to the window because she couldn't hear anything through the speaker (natch). The manager told her she had to order through the speaker, and he wouldn't let her order from the window. So I read the first couple comments, then came this gem:

" BY MIKEMAR42 AT 02:38 PM

If I was def I would go inside to order, it would be simpler and easier for both parties involved. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. This is just complaining not discrimination. If I was def I wouldn't expect special treatment everywhere I went. I usually go in to order anyway because they fuck you at the drive thru. THEY FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE THRU THEY ALWAYS DO IT. THEY KNOW YOU'LL BE A MILE AWAY BEFORE YOU NOTICE. THEY FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE THRU, EVERY TIME."

I hope you found it as funny as I did. It's funny because it's true. If you stop a moment to check your order, they give you nasty looks. I've even had employees say, "It's all there". Only to check the bag and find that something was indeed missing. Multiple times. St. Louis was the worst for this. You'd almost get stabbed by the employees for doubting them, though they were never surprised if you did find a mistake.

I dunno, I couldn't stop laughing at this.

I'm taking the day off

No reason, just took a day because I had some vacation built up. Wanna know a little secret? It kind of blows.

Is it age that makes free time go twice as quickly as it used to, or is it the children? Anyway, here's a recap of my day so far.

7.45 - Lexi wakes up and comes in to watch cartoons.

8.00 - Lexi goes in to wake up Noah

8.30 - Take kids to daycare. Sit and talk for 20 minutes.

9.00 - Go to Goodwill. I go here a lot, but today felt off. I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, so my junk sorting is a little off. I half-assedly look through books, jackets, shoes, spend most my time looking at picture frames -- my newest obsession, then shirts, pants and sweaters. Nothing. I'm pretty much wasting time until 10.00 when most stores open.

9.50 - Hit McDonalds for a breakfast burrito and a sausage biscuit. Got a medium Coke. Of course coffee would have been the right choice since I was tired, but I have a coffee conundrum at a drive through, in that I need it really sweet, lots of cream and sugar, and I don't want to inconvenience them, but I don't want to stick my own 6 sugars in either, so Coke is easier.

10.00 - Check out the new video game store I saw last week. I felt bad for the guy working there, he's been open 3 months and the place was empty, so I had to buy at least one game to make him feel better. Sucks being such a people person.

10.45 - Make the crucial choice not to go to the Guitar Center, but instead home so I can take a nap. But first I check out the Guitar Center website to see what I missed. Video games I can justify, since I play them regularly. Guitars are a little harder, since I have several, and they're all in the garage and never get played. But what's a day off for if you don't buy a new guitar or something? Am I right?

1.00 - My alarm goes off. I only wanted a quick nap so I wouldn't waste my already flying-by day.

1.30 - Still hitting snooze. Think about getting up. Finally jump out of bed to check something out on the internet.

2.14 - Still on the internet, writing this post. Formulating my plan of attack for the rest of the afternoon. It pretty much involves making the bed, cleaning the dishes from last night, then the tough choice -- Do I go to the grocery store for stuff for dinner, or can I scrape something together. I'm resolving right now to scrape something together. I think I have enough for some soup, and I'm taking a personal day, dammit, not a grocery store day. This is a tougher choice than it sounds, as the Missus took a personal day last week and stayed home all day cleaning the house on her day off. Oh well, that's her choice. Did I mention I'm going to make the bed? Crisis averted.

2.17 - I need to play some video games before my time's up. I think I'll go do that for an hour, start some soup, get the mail, and maybe play games interspersed with checking on the soup.

2.18 - I'm getting up now. Wait, I think I've figured it out. Why days off are shorter now...because the kids get home at 5. Before kids you had all day and all night, now you just have all day. How dumb of me not to think of this before.

2.19 - I'm getting up now.

2.20 - Things I learned from the internet today :

1. It's a shame about Heath Ledger. I thought he was a great actor and seemed like a decent guy.
2. I'm changing my candidate for president. I want Kucinich and Thompson in '08. Have you seen their wivs? Hubba hubba.

2.21 - I'm getting up now.

Dullard

If I could string together all the posts I've written and deleted because they were stupid, it would stretch from Portland to Seattle (assuming you use a giant font).

Anyway, that means you've only been reading the cream of the crop. And that is very, very sad.

Just wanted to let you know I'm straining my brain to think of something good to write about, but I can't.

Politics and Shopping

Been watching the POTUS race a little more lately. Still liking Obama, still disliking most everyone else.

Hillary seems too mean, too cold and calculating. She really needs to chill a little. It's a fine line between being a powerful woman and being a hoity toity bitch. Ask my mother.

All I really, really care about is not having another republican in the White House. I think it's nice to mix it up and switch the parties around every now and again. I've just had it with this whole cloud of whatever it is that's been hanging over our heads for years. I don't think someone like Romney is going to change that, despite saying that he's the 'candidate of change'. Or who isn't saying that these days?


On an entirely unrelated note, what's up with bad customer service everywhere I go? I'm sure it's because I work at a retail store that values good customer service above just about everything else, but I'm appalled at the bad habits that I continually run across, especially at national chains that have plenty of money and power to make it otherwise.

Whiskey River

Sometimes you just need a drink to get through the day. Today was one of those days.

There

Now I can cross one off my list. And the first one at that.

No swearing either.

That's two.

What I'm doing for 2008

Of course I have new years resolutions. Who doesn't? What self-respecting, red-blooded American citizen-being wouldn't take advantage of this time to say what they want to do better in the next year? I don't plan on actually following through on any of them for longer than a day or two, but we'll see. A day or two spread out over a year isn't really so difficult.

1. Post more on my blog

2. Stop swearing so much

3. Stop swearing so much in front of the kids

4. Stop swearing at the kids

Damn, that's already getting up there. Now for some random things I'd like to do:

5. See more shows, movies, etc.

6. Have more dates with my wife. Which means getting more babysitters. Which is fine, but means putting an effort into things. I was saving 'making more of an effort' for 2009, but as long as I'm here...

7. Vote more. I did actually vote in the last local election. But it was for school board members, and since I know nothing about the candidates, I wrote in my own name. That's why I probably shouldn't even be wasting anybody's time.

8. Read more

9. I'd love to play more Canasta. Nobody really gets into that though. Maybe online?

10. Do more around the house. Last year I concentrated on the backyard, which was probably a bust. It's a muddy mess right now. We'll see if any of the new grass took. I haven't cleaned the gutters in over a year. The house needs to be re-painted. I re-did the deck, but half-assed, so slapping a coat of waterproof paint doesn't actually fix rotten deck boards. The fence is falling apart in places too.

11. Stop using the kids as an excuse for why I don't get things like home improvements done. It is true though--since the wife and I only have one day off together, I'm alone with the kids on my other day off. And they're not too good about playing quietly while I clean the gutters.

12. Stop using the kids as an excuse for why I don't get things done.

13. Start putting the kids to work to get more things done. They can't do gutters, but they can probably pick up rocks.

14. Lose 20 pounds. Of course most people have this on their list. In my case I'm being modest, I should probably lose 30 pounds.

15. Stop making lists.