Random Stuff

-From a web report about Michael Phelps : "Phelps’ seventh world record in his personal Great Haul of China."

Ha ha, Great Haul of China. Those sportswriters can be hilarious.

-Watched Batman - Dark Knight last week. Not hilarious. Too long. Too much action moving too fast for this old geezer. Maybe a 7 out of 10. I remember liking the first one quite a bit.

Had a funny moment while watching it though. We went to the 5.30 showing, so it was pretty empty, out in Clio, Michigan. Probably 10 people in the theatre overall. Just before the movie starts, two older guys, probably 50's or slightly older, come up and sit in the aisle and seats right behind us. Right behind us. Then they talk. They talk through the last preview and on into the opening of the movie. Not talking the whole time, just random, inane statements. Like when they're talking about Harvey Dent, one of the guys says, "Oh that's Aaron Eckhart, he's a good actor".

We both shush them a time or two, but they're still at it. Finally we both turn around, but the wife starts pounding the back of her seat, and goes, "Guys, do you mind! Stop talking". They're both like, "Oh." and didn't make a peep after. Way to go wife.

You never know what's gonna happen in that situation. Like are they gonna be assholes and keep talking just to bug you? Apparently they just figured talking during a movie was ok and this was the first they heard that it is not.

After the movie I heard them in the restroom near me and I was expecting them to be talking about 'that bitch in front of us'. Instead they just sounded like a couple of old movie nerds, talking about how much the movie offers up to think about. One guy gave it about a 7/10, same as me!

-One of the favorite things Lexi says right now is amn't. I'll say she's a little joker or something and she'll say, "No I amn't". Maybe this is common for kids, but it gets me every time.

-I've been digging the Olympics lately. Not actually watching them, though I had it on for a couple hours this morning and was watching some on the plane last night. I don't get caught up in the whole Olympic fever and patriotism and medal count, but I think they're cool. It's nice to see people who do get caught up in something big like that.

I'm amazed at some of the structures that get built for Olympics. That Swim Cube is cool. I went the Olympic Stadium in Munich back when I was a kid and that was cool too. Just some nice architecture, lots of cool design rather than just a slab of concrete. I don't even think it's bad for them to be in China. I mean, they aren't the politically correct games. Maybe the Chinese are pretty much assholes in the whole 'freedom' concept, but they're just the Olympics. If they start vying to give out the Nobel Peace Prizes in Beijing, then I'll riot.

-Michigan is lovely this time of year. We had a great trip. The kids loved loved loved seeing their Grandma and Grandpa. We saw lots of relatives in the Dinsmore family, maybe a few more than is wise, as there is no way I can remember who's who now.

Grandpa D built a swing/playset in the backyard just for Lexi and Noah and they loved it and abused it to no end. Not sure how much sand ended up staying in the sand box and how much ended up on the lawn. They took tractor rides on in the backyard on the riding lawnmower, and Daddy loved Grandpa's massage chair. Used it so much my spine was actually tender the next day.

The kids' Great Grandma Peg turned 90 this year and there was a big shindig for her. That was nice. Uncle Jeff and Aunt Sarah were there from California, which made it just that much nicer as well. The four of us took a little trip up to Frankfort/Elberta, which is on northern Lake Michigan, along with a couple of other cousins. Just went overnight, but we went on one of those alpine slides at a place called Crystal Mountain, then went to Sleeping Bear Dunes. It was beautiful weather and beautiful country.

I ended up getting a little flu bug for a couple of days. Not sure exactly what it was, but was laid up in bed off and on for a day or two. Had a pounding head the whole time. Luckily it was nearer the end of the trip after most the action had taken place, but I still felt bad for ruining the good time. Luckily it was mostly better in time for the trip home, as we had to drive to Detroit, take a bus to the airport, take two planes, then another shuttle to the car. The kids were mostly good on the plane, but it's not easy traveling with kids. Thank goodness all the passengers around us were good humored. Thank you fellow travelers!!!

Taking a Break

It's been too tough posting as much as I do, so I'm gonna slow it down a bit.

Heading to Michigan for a week, so you're gonna have to get along without me for a short while.

I'll return to my regular updates when I get back.

My dilemma...

So I'm home alone with the kids, and M went to work at 11, so the kids were still in their pajamas. It's 3.30 and they're still in their pajamas. The wife's not home until after their bedtime. So, isn't it in everybody's best interest to just keep them in their pajamas all day? I mean, there is an energy crisis going on and we don't want to waste valuable resources right now. Am I right? If I'm wrong you may be a terrorist or oil company owner.

Dead Cat

No, cat's not dead.

Yet.

Lexi's going crazy jumping on the bed beside me. I told her not to get too crazy and jump on the cat. She said, "Yeah cause we don't want a dead cat".

Hmm, I'm getting an idea.

The cat was sick last week. It was strange, he all of a sudden started limping one night, and it seemed to be getting worse, so M took him to the vet. They charged us $350.00 to take x-rays and do blood work, only to tell us that he had a fever but nothing was physically wrong otherwise.

I'm glad M was the one with him, because I don't know that I would have paid that much. I mean, the cat only cost us about $30.00 initially, and there are a LOT of cats out there that don't have fevers and limps. Really though, couldn't the vet have maybe mentioned waiting a day to see what happened before jumping into all the lab work and x-rays?

This cat is getting more and more precious to me each and every day that we sink money into him. Pretty soon he's gonna poop gold for us I'm sure.

The worst part is that now I'm afraid to even touch him when he's scratching and clawing my hands at night, because I don't want to have to take him back for more x-rays.

Had brunch with Ed Begley Jr. yesterday...

Well, I had brunch near Ed Begley Jr. yesterday. Went to the Old Wives' Tales restaurant for brunch to meet up with some old acquaintances who were visiting from Seattle. While waiting for them, we were playing in a little playroom set aside for kids, and this older gentleman was playing with another little boy. I was thinking he had a familiar look to him, but I'm the type of person that would never recognize a celebrity if they were standing right next to me (which he was).

It wasn't until we were seated at the table with our friends, when one of them wrote 'Ed Begley' on a napkin and showed it to us. I thought he was just saying that the guy looked like E.B.

Nope, it was the real deal. He's looking a little older these days. Not surprising, of course. I guess he'll just always be John 'Stumpy' Pepys to me, the original drummer for Spinal Tap.

Probably forgot most of 'em...

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (not every single word, but close)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot (only read half, only bolded half)
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving (this is a must read book if you have never read it.)
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (who knows what it's actually about though)
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

I'm not sure where the list comes from...I got it from my Wayne.

Sorry I didn't learn how to embed those previous videos. I'm now an old hand at it.

edit: Now I did.

Funny stuff

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Ow!

Noah hurt his leg on the slide the other day. Foot got caught on the side of it and bent backwards a little, causing a slight hairline fracture on his tibia.

Did my usual daddy doctor routine. Poked here and there and surmised it's 'just bruised'. Of course the real doctor once again had a different opinion and put a cast on, 'just in case' my own opinion was wrong.

This is the temporary cast...today he got the real thing. In red...his choice. He's doing well though. All cash donations can be sent to me...I'll make sure he gets them. After the doctor takes his cut, of course.

Bacon Weave, part II

As you can see, it's prettier pre-cooking. One advantage to the bacon weave is that you can cook an entire package of bacon at one time. Normally you'd have to cook them in 2-3 shifts, depending on teh size of your frying pan.

If you look closely in teh first picture, you'll see there is a container of bacon salt near the bacon weave. The world came close to ending on the day the bacon salt was spread over the bacon weave. Luckily Jeff and Sarah were there to help us eat the whole thing.

After cooking, as in the second photo, you'll see that the bacon weave fell apart a bit. That's because of my first attempt at turning it over. Tried the dual-spatula method. Didn't work so well. Finally tried sliding it on a plate, putting another plate over that plate, then flipping the two plates over. The slide the bacon weave from te second plate back into the pan.

One Seater

Went to a restaurant called Wildwood on Saturday night. The Missus and me, her brother and his wife. It was good, little overpriced, but we were having a good time.

Near the end of our evening, I got up to use the restroom. As I entered the men's room, I looked around and realized it's just a single person restroom. Just the room, a toilet and a sink. As I was closing the door, a guy came in behind me, and must not have instantly realized it was only a single restroom. He looks around and says, "Oh, it's only a one seater eh?". "Yep", I replied, as he continued in and locked the door. "You can go first", he said to me.

Erm, what? Now, if you read the story about drinking from the stranger girl's beer can on the bike path in Seattle, you know odd things sometimes happen to me. And while I wasn't really perturbed by this guy's behavior, I just found it pretty odd to be certain. But he went to the sink and busied himself while I did my duty, then we switched and I washed my hands while he did his. I figured since he was such a friendly sort the least I could do was engage him in a little friendly banter.

"Good dinner tonight, sir?", I queried. "Oh yes, I never have a bad meal here", he replied. Wait, he's been here before, and he didn't know it's a one seater? "Same here, very good". By now he was done so I didn't need to keep up much more of this conversation. I walked to the door and opened it up to allow him to exit.

"Have a great evening", I said to him. "Thanks, same to you", he throws back at me.

So strange, my life.

Bacon Weave

Any questions?

A few things you might not know about me...

Got this from Wayne. I usually don't respond, which is embarrassing since there is usually one that says, "I think Mark will respond to this". It's not that I don't want to, I usually just forget about it. So if you thought I was going to respond to one of these and I never did, sorry to make you a liar.

This one is a bit different from others we’ve seen go around. Four things about me that you may or may not have known in no particular order.

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Dairy Queen
2. Dairy Queen (It went out of business after I worked there the first time. I re-applied under the new ownership) (It wasn't my fault)
3. Loaded trucks for RPS, a UPS clone. Only lasted one night.
4. Archaelogist (seriously)

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

1. Bottlerocket
2. Spinal Tap
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Aliens

Four places I have lived:

1. Aachen, Germany
2. Belmont, Mass
3. Seattle, WA
4. St. Louis, MO

Four T. V. Shows that I watch:

1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Hell's Kitchen
3. Judge Judy
4. Entourage

Four places I have been:

1. Las Vegas, NV
2. Vancouver, BC
3. New York City, NY
4. Tijuana, Mexico

People who e-mail me

1. Mom
2. Gary
3. Stephanie
4. Brett

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Fajitas
2. Beef Stroganoff
3. Chicken Parmesan
4. Hot Tamales (candy)

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Seattle
2. Cannon Beach
3. Camping
4. In a time machine

Four friends I think will respond:

1. Um...
2.
3.
4.

Things I am looking forward to this year:

1. Summer finally starting in Portland
2. Family trip to Michigan this summer
3. Hopefully going camping with my family this fall
4. New television (hopefully soon)

A few things you, as a casual human being, might not know about kittens

Got a cat two days ago. Here's what I learned that I wish I had known before.

Kittens are expensive. Oh we talked them down to half-price, since they had a crapload of cats in a big cage, but ended up spending 3 times the purchase amount on kitty litter and cat food.

Kittens have sharp teeth that will fall out in 6 months. Our kitty, Lou Dobbs, hasn't had them fall out yet, but I'm not looking forward to this nastiness.

Kittens have to get fixed, and that's even more expensive. Like 200 dollars expensive to snip the kitty. C'mon, even back alley dentistry doesn't cost 200 dollars. Unless you do the platinum upgrade, but that's another story entirely.

Kittens turn into cats, and cats can live 15 to 20 years. I seriously thought I was in this for maybe 3-5 years, not 15-20.

I feel like I'm deep in the poo poo now. At least the kids are happy.

Movie Madness

Gah, I hate it when I have a Netflix movie that's sat there, unwatched, for like 2 months. You finally psych yourself up to see it, you go to watch it, and it turns out to not be the movie you actually thought it was, but the movie before that one. Happened to me last week.

I wanted to see a movie called 30 days of night. Some vampire/horror flick. With the kids, we don't make much time for movie watching, which is why it's sat there for a few months now. I told everybody at work about it, and they all said I should watch it, great movie, you'll love it. So I got excited to see it. Waited another two weeks, finally went to grab it. It was Repo Man. That movie kinda sucks.

I'm not successful at movie watching. Almost an abject failure really.

Daddy...

"Daddy, did you call me a dickhead?"

"No hon, the lady in front of us is a dickhead"

"Oh, ok, Daddy"

Out of the mouths of 3 1/2 year old babes it shall be spoken. The wife then goes on to inform me that I need to filter my car language.

"But Sweetheart, dickhead is filtering!"

Post Office Blues

Went to the PO today for the second time in as many weeks. I'm not sure what it is about the post office, but here in my town apparently they have no rules as to when/how people work the counters there.

Last time I went on a Thursday morning and there must've been 10 people in line, with 2 people behind the counters. One guy was with a little old lady for about 5-10 minutes, while the other one was helping someone with a problem, so it took about 20 minutes to send my package. I only went in because the auto-package sending machine wasn't large enough for my box. Occasionally an employee would come out from the back, step up to a counter, and you'd think maybe they were about to open up, only to psych you out by turning around and walking back to the back.

Today I went a little later than last time...still a Thursday, but around 10.30ish am. I was the only person in line. There was one guy ahead of me, standing at an empty counter. I probably waited about 5 minutes wondering whether he had even been helped, or whether we were just wasting our time. Finally a guy came back and apparently couldn't find his package. Then another employee came out from the back, went up to a counter, fishing around in a drawer for something, then headed back again. She came back a minute later and finally opened up that counter.

Seriously, who the hell is running the post office? I don't know why they call it 'going postal', those bastards have it pretty good down at my local spot. I'm tempted to throw my lot in with them.

Funny things

So I just got a call from my sister in law, Sarah. I almost didn't answer, because the caller id said, "Hnatiuk Vasil", and that pretty much spells trouble right there. Hnatiuk is very much an Eskimo name in my book, and Vasil is short for Vagisil, so no thanks, I don't want what you're selling.

But sometimes I just have to see who it is, so I picked it up. Sarah was calling from New York. She lives in L.A. but is out on the east coast for some reason or another (maybe or maybe not traveling under the alias Hnatiuk Vasil.

Anyway, Sarahnatiuk Vasilcole was calling me to tell me she was on the subway platform in New York and she ran into my sister, who lives in New York. They have only met once I believe, a year and a half ago at my wedding.

Crazy.

You wanna hear another crazy story? Not sure what made me remember this, but as I was driving home from Target today I was thinking about a weird thing that happened to me several years ago. I was living in Seattle, and lived maybe 2 blocks from work. I was walking along a bike/jogger path heading home, on a nice and bright spring day. I was overtaking a young lady also walking down the path, and she started talking to me. You know, the usual, isn't it a lovely day sort of stuff. And she's carrying a can of beer, some tallboy of Pabst or something. And she's like, You want a drink of beer? And I'm like, Sure. So I drank from her can, there on the bike trail behind work at 3 pm in the afternoon.

I'll always cherish that memory.

Other updates:

Got a new roof put on. Looks good. We'll see what happens when it rains, but it was a relatively painless experience.

Noah's learning new words every day. Hot, bowl, ball (these may be the same word), Bob-bob for Spongebob

Lexi's learning grown-up phrases. Sample: I was absolutely right, I need my footy pajamas because it's too cold.

Or this one: We were driving yesterday and a lady in front of me was being a moron (going too slow, not signaling, the usual). I'm like, "Come on!"
Lexi: What's wrong Daddy?
Me: Nothing, she's just being dumb.
Lexi:Are you mad?
Me: No, not really, just a little bit, more irritated
Lexi: You must be just a little bit mad, you didn't say fuck.
Me: You're right, I'm not mad enough to say fuck.
Me: Don't say fuck.

And with that, my resolution to swear less is not going so well.

From the mouths of babes

M was in the kitchen last night making dinner when Lexi said, "Mommy's booty is fat".

I got blamed for it. M asked who taught her to say that and she pointed straight at me. Didn't even have to think about it. But I'm innocent.

I would've taught her to say humongous.

Broken Bones

Noah learned the hard way on Saturday that climbing out of your crib is only the half of it. What he failed to learn is what to do once he's on the outside. Much as the newly released prisoner's good intentions go out the window when faced with an unlimited opportunity for mischief, so did his first escape from behind bars end in failure.

I wasn't in the room, so I only heard the big 'thud', but I think he must have landed on his wrist somehow and hurt it in the process. It's not broken, and he's not in a cast, but he got a little splint to wear for the next 3 weeks just to make sure he doesn't re-injure it.

It's tough as a parent knowing when he needs to go to the doctor and when he does not. I tend to be overly cautious about going to the doctor when I'm ill. And by overly cautious I mean I don't go to the doctor. Of course, I don't want my kids to be denied medical care if they really need it, but who's to say when they need it.

First thing I noticed was him grabbing his hurt wrist with his good hand. This was an indication that he was hurt. I did not fail to notice this. If you're keeping score at home, that's one point for me.

Next, I ran a series of what you might term 'amateur' lab tests on the affected area. I bent each finger back, one at a time, and noticed he only cried when it was at an angle that would make me cry if a giant was twisting my fingers into some unnatural position. I also had him make a fist, which he didn't do, but that's because of the language barrier. While I waited for the translator to arrive, I asked him to hold his froggy blanket in his hand, and he was able to do this. Success! No doctor's visit needed. I'm applying to medical school next week.

Over the last couple days I'd say he's been normal for about 95% of the time. It was just now and again when he'd trip and fall, catching himself with his hands, then he'd grab his wrist again with the other hand. Apparently this happened this morning at daycare, and Paula decided he was bad enough to make a doctor's appointment. I think she was worried that she had overstepped her boundaries in making that decision, but I was grateful that she had, because she's with him all day long and can tell when things don't seem right. Plus it was so very slow at work today, I was happy to get out of there.

Anyway, the doctor said he looks fine, gave him the splint just to be on the safe side, and now he's back in the crib, sleeping like a baby. With pillows scattered all over at the base of his crib.

Next we need to work on getting him some scars.

I Am A Crappy Movie?

Just watched I Am Legend tonight.

Horrible. Awful.

I got excited last year when I first heard about it. I had never read the book, but the premise sounded cool, so I went out and got it. Great story...made me want to see the movie even more.

Then I saw the trailer. Will Smith hitting golf balls and driving through Manhattan. Started to worry about this.

Then I saw the movie, and now I'm incredulous at how bad it was. It starts with deer running through the streets of NYC, before a lion comes out of nowhere and kills the deer. I'm sorry, where the hell did lions come from in New York? The zoo? Last I heard, lions needed warm weather. Couldn't be here if Will Smith is wearing a leather jacket and pants.

The ending sucked the worst.

I give it 1 star out of 5. The star is because it has zombie dogs, and those are pretty rad.

One might think...

One might think that I often have periods of amnesia...where I forget that I have this blog to write on. One would be wrong. Blogging is like drinking...the times I most want to drink are when I'm somewhere I don't want to be. Usually this is work. And it's usually about 2 pm.

By the time I get home at night, and feed the kids, and bathe them, and put pajamas on and get them to bed, I've either a. forgotten about what I was so worked up about earlier that I just HAD to write about, or b. (sorry, I just forgot what b. was going to be).

Anyway, for those of you that still drop by occasionally to see if I've updated this...

Go away!

For those still left after that...

Have hope. One day I'll remember to write more. Probably at the same time that I start drinking at 2 in the afternoon.

Happy Birthday, Brother!

Dear big brother of mine,

It's funny how how you went from the bully of my life to the hero. Ok, maybe not a terrible bully, but I do remember having spitting fights which you alway seemed to win. Being held down while you drooled on me or farted in my face. Taking me waterskiing only so you could whip the boat around and make me fall. Sending me a present on my birthday when you were in South Carolina. Going golfing with me and sneaking a cigarette out on the course when Dad wasn't looking (I'm blaming that one on you).

I think of how you listen to my opinions on life, even when they're strong and sometimes opposite of what you believe, knowing that being brothers counts more than changing someone else's belief. Yes, I remember always wanting to sleep in your bed as a kid since I was scared of the dark, and how you'd let me, but only after I got you a glass of water from the bathroom. I remember often spitting into this glass of water and feeling a little better about losing the spitting fight. Be glad you're not my sister, who's toothbrush I would sometimes dip in the toilet in retaliation for being a little bitchy :)

You're a great role-model to me, in how to stick close to your family and how to raise your children. I respect you and love you very much. Now get your own damn water!

Love,
Me.

Noah Two-Bath

Noah undertook his first spirit quest today, hereby earning his special Native American name, Noey Two-Bath.

I had just given him his bath and put his pajamas on. We went downstairs, and I was hoping to get him to stay downstairs with Grandpa so I could get Lexi in the bath, but he insisted on coming back up with us. As I was trying to shepherd them up the stairs, Noah got ahead of us. Since Grandma was up there already, I figured he was with her. But by the time we got to the top of the stairs, I peeked in the bathtub and Noah was sitting in the tub, in his pajamas, with water halfway up his belly.

So off go the soaking PJ's, off comes the wet diaper, and on go the new ones. Oh joy, oh joy.

We miss mommy!

More Pics

Happy Birthday Lexi!

Some pics from Lexi's 3rd birthday party. Had some of the kids from her daycare over, as well as some folks from work.

The kids got Strawberry Shortcake tattoos, and they all loved them.

Then we ate cupcakes and I went back to bed.

'super' delegates

Does the notion of super-delegates scare the hell out of you as well?

Vampire Weekend

Been hearing a lot about this band lately, Vampire Weekend.

At first listen, I immediately thought of Bishop Allen. Then I checked out their new album on iTunes. I still think Bishop Allen, mixed with Paul Simon.

Not a bad thing.

I don't know that this first album is going to cure cancer, but I think it's worth a few listens. Maybe a nice spring/summer album to chill to.

Hello, vampire weekend.

Funny Comments

I was reading a post on the Consumerist.com and scrolled down to read the comments, which are pretty typical for such a website. The consumerist is a place where you go and tell your retail nightmares. Then, in the comments section, half the readers call you a moron for shopping at places like Best Buy in the first place, while the other half yell at the first commenters to tell them to give you a break.

Anyway, the post I was reading was about a deaf woman who went through a drive-thru at a fast food place, and pulled around to the window because she couldn't hear anything through the speaker (natch). The manager told her she had to order through the speaker, and he wouldn't let her order from the window. So I read the first couple comments, then came this gem:

" BY MIKEMAR42 AT 02:38 PM

If I was def I would go inside to order, it would be simpler and easier for both parties involved. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. This is just complaining not discrimination. If I was def I wouldn't expect special treatment everywhere I went. I usually go in to order anyway because they fuck you at the drive thru. THEY FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE THRU THEY ALWAYS DO IT. THEY KNOW YOU'LL BE A MILE AWAY BEFORE YOU NOTICE. THEY FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE THRU, EVERY TIME."

I hope you found it as funny as I did. It's funny because it's true. If you stop a moment to check your order, they give you nasty looks. I've even had employees say, "It's all there". Only to check the bag and find that something was indeed missing. Multiple times. St. Louis was the worst for this. You'd almost get stabbed by the employees for doubting them, though they were never surprised if you did find a mistake.

I dunno, I couldn't stop laughing at this.

I'm taking the day off

No reason, just took a day because I had some vacation built up. Wanna know a little secret? It kind of blows.

Is it age that makes free time go twice as quickly as it used to, or is it the children? Anyway, here's a recap of my day so far.

7.45 - Lexi wakes up and comes in to watch cartoons.

8.00 - Lexi goes in to wake up Noah

8.30 - Take kids to daycare. Sit and talk for 20 minutes.

9.00 - Go to Goodwill. I go here a lot, but today felt off. I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, so my junk sorting is a little off. I half-assedly look through books, jackets, shoes, spend most my time looking at picture frames -- my newest obsession, then shirts, pants and sweaters. Nothing. I'm pretty much wasting time until 10.00 when most stores open.

9.50 - Hit McDonalds for a breakfast burrito and a sausage biscuit. Got a medium Coke. Of course coffee would have been the right choice since I was tired, but I have a coffee conundrum at a drive through, in that I need it really sweet, lots of cream and sugar, and I don't want to inconvenience them, but I don't want to stick my own 6 sugars in either, so Coke is easier.

10.00 - Check out the new video game store I saw last week. I felt bad for the guy working there, he's been open 3 months and the place was empty, so I had to buy at least one game to make him feel better. Sucks being such a people person.

10.45 - Make the crucial choice not to go to the Guitar Center, but instead home so I can take a nap. But first I check out the Guitar Center website to see what I missed. Video games I can justify, since I play them regularly. Guitars are a little harder, since I have several, and they're all in the garage and never get played. But what's a day off for if you don't buy a new guitar or something? Am I right?

1.00 - My alarm goes off. I only wanted a quick nap so I wouldn't waste my already flying-by day.

1.30 - Still hitting snooze. Think about getting up. Finally jump out of bed to check something out on the internet.

2.14 - Still on the internet, writing this post. Formulating my plan of attack for the rest of the afternoon. It pretty much involves making the bed, cleaning the dishes from last night, then the tough choice -- Do I go to the grocery store for stuff for dinner, or can I scrape something together. I'm resolving right now to scrape something together. I think I have enough for some soup, and I'm taking a personal day, dammit, not a grocery store day. This is a tougher choice than it sounds, as the Missus took a personal day last week and stayed home all day cleaning the house on her day off. Oh well, that's her choice. Did I mention I'm going to make the bed? Crisis averted.

2.17 - I need to play some video games before my time's up. I think I'll go do that for an hour, start some soup, get the mail, and maybe play games interspersed with checking on the soup.

2.18 - I'm getting up now. Wait, I think I've figured it out. Why days off are shorter now...because the kids get home at 5. Before kids you had all day and all night, now you just have all day. How dumb of me not to think of this before.

2.19 - I'm getting up now.

2.20 - Things I learned from the internet today :

1. It's a shame about Heath Ledger. I thought he was a great actor and seemed like a decent guy.
2. I'm changing my candidate for president. I want Kucinich and Thompson in '08. Have you seen their wivs? Hubba hubba.

2.21 - I'm getting up now.

Dullard

If I could string together all the posts I've written and deleted because they were stupid, it would stretch from Portland to Seattle (assuming you use a giant font).

Anyway, that means you've only been reading the cream of the crop. And that is very, very sad.

Just wanted to let you know I'm straining my brain to think of something good to write about, but I can't.

Politics and Shopping

Been watching the POTUS race a little more lately. Still liking Obama, still disliking most everyone else.

Hillary seems too mean, too cold and calculating. She really needs to chill a little. It's a fine line between being a powerful woman and being a hoity toity bitch. Ask my mother.

All I really, really care about is not having another republican in the White House. I think it's nice to mix it up and switch the parties around every now and again. I've just had it with this whole cloud of whatever it is that's been hanging over our heads for years. I don't think someone like Romney is going to change that, despite saying that he's the 'candidate of change'. Or who isn't saying that these days?


On an entirely unrelated note, what's up with bad customer service everywhere I go? I'm sure it's because I work at a retail store that values good customer service above just about everything else, but I'm appalled at the bad habits that I continually run across, especially at national chains that have plenty of money and power to make it otherwise.

Whiskey River

Sometimes you just need a drink to get through the day. Today was one of those days.

There

Now I can cross one off my list. And the first one at that.

No swearing either.

That's two.

What I'm doing for 2008

Of course I have new years resolutions. Who doesn't? What self-respecting, red-blooded American citizen-being wouldn't take advantage of this time to say what they want to do better in the next year? I don't plan on actually following through on any of them for longer than a day or two, but we'll see. A day or two spread out over a year isn't really so difficult.

1. Post more on my blog

2. Stop swearing so much

3. Stop swearing so much in front of the kids

4. Stop swearing at the kids

Damn, that's already getting up there. Now for some random things I'd like to do:

5. See more shows, movies, etc.

6. Have more dates with my wife. Which means getting more babysitters. Which is fine, but means putting an effort into things. I was saving 'making more of an effort' for 2009, but as long as I'm here...

7. Vote more. I did actually vote in the last local election. But it was for school board members, and since I know nothing about the candidates, I wrote in my own name. That's why I probably shouldn't even be wasting anybody's time.

8. Read more

9. I'd love to play more Canasta. Nobody really gets into that though. Maybe online?

10. Do more around the house. Last year I concentrated on the backyard, which was probably a bust. It's a muddy mess right now. We'll see if any of the new grass took. I haven't cleaned the gutters in over a year. The house needs to be re-painted. I re-did the deck, but half-assed, so slapping a coat of waterproof paint doesn't actually fix rotten deck boards. The fence is falling apart in places too.

11. Stop using the kids as an excuse for why I don't get things like home improvements done. It is true though--since the wife and I only have one day off together, I'm alone with the kids on my other day off. And they're not too good about playing quietly while I clean the gutters.

12. Stop using the kids as an excuse for why I don't get things done.

13. Start putting the kids to work to get more things done. They can't do gutters, but they can probably pick up rocks.

14. Lose 20 pounds. Of course most people have this on their list. In my case I'm being modest, I should probably lose 30 pounds.

15. Stop making lists.

New post

No, not this one...the one below it. Just a little note...what I wrote is about 1/20th of what I wanted to write. But sometimes it's not best to wait until midnight to post something, especially when your wife is trying to sleep and you're keeping her awake with the pounding keyboard. Anyway, I just wanted to get something up here so my mom will have something to read next time she checks my blog.

Love you mom!

Where in the world...

In anthropology, there is much use of the word cosmology. In studying so-called primitive societies, cosmologies help explain the relationship of human beings to the rest of the universe and are therefore closely tied to religious beliefs and practices (thanks Dictionary.com!). It's a word I hadn't hear before taking my first anthropology course in college, but it's a topic I've been thinking about ever since.

The latest thing to get me thinking about this was a post at the Great Whatsit. This post, to be specific. As it goes, I had written my own comment to this post, but deleted it at the last minute. Deleted it because a) nobody cares what I have to say on the subject, and b) I have a great place to post stuff that nobody cares about on my own blog without having to mess up someone else's.

Anyway, here's my take on the whole thing: My cosmology only extends to my daily life for the most part. I don't care much what's going on outside my own home, outside my work, or what goes on that doesn't affect me in a daily capacity. I know, I'm sticking my head in the sand, and I do it willingly. I guess what's been worrying me the most lately is that I've been doing it for the past 13 years or so and I figure it's got to catch up with me sooner or later.

Now, this sort of view definitely has its perks. I don't have to worry about politics. I don't have to worry about voting, and if I do decide to vote, I don't worry if I don't like the outcome. I pay attention to the news enough to know what's going on in the world (because you obviously have to pay attention if you're going to keep your Jeopardy skills honed). I just don't get worried unless the bad news is in my home town.

To some extent, my world view encompasses Washington as well as Oregon, so if I'm going to choose an identity, it's as a Pacific Northwester. But that's it. That's about as far as it goes. What's going on in California? Don't much care. Washington D.C.? Doesn't worry me. Bush stole the election? Not going to change the world for me. I do understand that it will change the world for others, so I'm not saying that you shouldn't care...I'm just saying that it doesn't bother me.

Same with religion. I grew up going to church every Sunday. When I decided it wasn't for me, it was a relatively clean break. Now I don't think about it. I don't worry about what church is right, who's going to hell, or what I'm going to do on Sunday. It's no longer a part of my world view.

There are definitely some subjects that I'll have an opinion on, however. Pedophile priests are bad whether I believe in religion or not. Bush is always going to lose the fight against words. I might vote for Obama this time if I do decide to vote. And if I decide not to vote, I don't bitch and moan about the outcome. I understand that I can't say anything if I don't vote. One guy's gonna cut taxes and the other's gonna raise them? Ok by me. I'm gonna pay them either way, just tell me how much I owe. I know Americans are fat and lazy and talk too loud when they're on vacation. Still doesn't bother me. I don't identify myself as one of those. Even if I get fat and lazy (not a far stretch), I'm gonna whisper when I'm in Europe. But the American identity isn't a part of my cosmology.

Is this world view wrong? I don't think so. As I mentioned before, I do worry that it's going to backfire one of these days. Maybe the next president will decide to put everybody with my name in prison. Then it will be too late, and I'll wish I had done things differently.

At least I'll have time to revise where I fit in.

Favorite Cheeses

I like cheese.

I like cheese a lot.

If you add some cheese to a recipe, it becomes good. I like ham and cheese the best. There are no two other flavor combinations that taste as good as ham and cheese I think. Maybe whiskey and Coke. Peanut butter and jelly being a distant third.

Have you ever had Stilton cheese? It's like bleu cheese times 20. I've only had it a few times, and I'd been drinking or I never could have eaten it. But it's really good. I keep meaning to buy some but I don't drink much so I'm always afraid it's going to go bad before I get a chance to drink enough to eat some (pretty ironic, I know, since it already is bad).

Bleu Cheese is my favorite kind of salad dressing. I've been loving it for like 20 years now. When I was a kid it was French and Bleu cheese, but now French is a distant memory and it's just the BC. If a restaurant doesn't have BC I pretty much won't have salad. It's good on top of steak as well.

Gouda is another favorite. Comes from living in Germany near the border with Holland, where Gouda is the ubiquitous, inexpensive cheese that everybody loves. Like cheddar here. I prefer smoked Gouda most, but then again, I like just about any smoked cheese. Especially with ham.

Pepper Jack is awesome. I didn't discover it until later in life. It gives things a zest they might normally be missing. I made a recipe the other day for a kind of tortilla/chicken layered casserole, using nothing but pepper jack for cheese. It was a mistake. I should have put some orange cheese in as well. But it was zingy.

Swiss is another I didn't like as a kid so much, but got used to in Germany. If I'm having a sandwich, Swiss is what I'm wanting to be having on that sandwich. It's easy to get a lousy Swiss though.

You probably haven't heard of Provel cheese before. It's a mix of Provolone and Mozzarella that is specially made in St. Louis. They put it on their pizzas there and it has a special taste that is unique to the city. Provolone is good on sandwiches too.

Asiago is great too. Ranks up there along with fresh parmesan. Love it on bagels.

Myzythra, if you haven't had it, is awesome grated over some freshly made spaghetti. Brown a stick of butter first (just cook it over low-medium heat for like 20 minutes until it turns brown, but not grainy). Then top it with the grated cheese.

Dubliner - One of my new favorite cheeses. Kind of in the Asiago/Parmesan vein. Great with a baguette.

Cheddar, Colby, Jack -- those are all good too. Not really favorites though.

Canned cheese - Heaven!

Kid Elves

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9605990093

Thanks Wayne, for showing me the scoop.

Turkey Day Wrap-up

So we had a great weekend with the family around. My parents and my brother and his family. We ate our brined turkey (moistest bird in Oregon), ate our 10 pounds of mashed potatoes (seriously, we had to throw half of them away, we made so many), at our sweet potatoes (better warmed up), ate everything that was thrown at us then ate some more.

In between eating we played the Wii. Everybody loved it, the whole family was up and about playing Wii Sports. Tennis, golf, bowling, pool. The grandparents were squaring off against the grandkids, brother versus brother, husband vs. wife--if the Wii had been around the past couple hundred years we wouldn't have had any wars, we'd just be playing video games. That's how much it brings people together.

I bought a little gadget the other day called the Skip Doctor, or something like that. It fixes your cds, dvds, games, whatever's round and shiny--if it's scratched and doesn't play correctly, the skip doctor fixes it. This is especially useful around our house since both kids know how to bypass the child guard on the dvd player and get the dvds out. They then throw them around the room, rub sandpaper on them, skate across the rough sidewalk on them, do whatever it takes to scratch them up nice and good. Seriously, it takes about 2 hours from the time the new dvd is opened to look as if we'd had it for 10 years.

I even tried it out on an 18 year old cd I had, the best of the Velvet Underground. This was one of the first cds I ever bought when I was in high school. The case has been missing for the past 8 years I'm sure, so it's been run through the washer. Half the songs skipped half the time. Ran it through the skip doctor, and voila!, good as new. I heartily recommend it.

One thing I can't recommend is the Safeway store in Tigard on Highway 99 near King City. I was in there the other day with my Dad, buying a couple stuff. This little old lady was ahead of us in line, and the guy that was ringing her up started scanning our items as well. I wasn't paying much attention, so I assumed that her own transaction was finished. The lady tells him she hasn't paid yet and then I tell him he's scanning our stuff. The guy doesn't apologize to the her, doesn't even acknowledge he did anything wrong, just starts re-scanning our stuff to remove it from her transaction. She says something about wanting to look at the receipt because she wants to make sure he got the right stuff, and he says, "It's fine, I removed that stuff", in an assholish tone. Then as he hands her the receipt he says, "Thank you Mrs. Grawarshkisoundslikethat". She doesn't notice this because she's asking him a question about the receipt, but what a total prick. That's when I look at his nametag and read that he's the assistant manager.

Working in retail myself, I recognize that everybody can make a mistake. This wasn't a very big mistake either, but I also know that you apologize when you make a mistake, and you don't make fun of the customer and blow them off to downplay that you messed up. That's the kind of thing that loses customer. It's like they say, if you have a great experience at a store you might tell 1-2 people, but when you have a bad experience you tell at least 10 people.

Hey, assistant manager at Safeway, Stop Being an Asshat!

Giving Thanks

Went shopping this morning for the thanksgiving meal. First we dropped the kids off at daycare, then the two of us went to the grocery store. It's very rare that we are off on the same day without kids, so it was kind of a nice break. Where'd we go next? Back to Crate & Barrel, because we just don't have enough stuff from there, and there's nowhere we'd rather be on our one day off.

We're brining our turkey this year. Seems to be the 'in' thing to do. Everybody's talking about it. I hope it works. The turkey was still a little frozen in the middle, so the Missus had to reach her hand inside and scrape out the gibblets and pull out the gross neck while getting frostbite and scratches on her fingers from the frozen icicles.

She made a small batch of mashed potatoes to check out the recipe, and they were good. I made a light lunch of turkey and gouda on a baguette and toasted in the oven.

Now just waiting for the parents to arrive, whereupon we'll go pick up the kids and try to relax while still fretting about all the preparations for tomorrow.

Woohoo.

To keep you from being disappointed

Sorry for lack of updates (I feel guilty about this almost every day). Busy with Noah's first birthday party planning, Thanksgiving planning, excuse for not updating planning. Lots of planning, very little execution.

So here's a little video of Noah walking.

Beck as a 2 1/2 year old girl

Sonny & Cher

You've kind of got to squint to see the resemblance. You might as well just call them hippies, but you get the general idea.

Noah kind of looked like a version of Sonny/Hitler/Jimi Hendrix. Of course, neither of them even had any idea what they were doing, and no, we didn't teach them to sing, "I've Got You, Babe". Maybe next year.

I kind of wanted to catch Cher in the "Half-Breed" phase, but we were somewhat limited in the costume choices as we waited until the last minute due to our San Diego trip.

Enjoy.

Latest Pics of the Kids

The kids posing in some homemade sweaters made by a friend of the family. I gave them both haircuts yesterday, so they don't look so much like dirty hippies. Smiling dirty hippies.

The kids are getting much better at playing together now. This usually consists of Noah chasing Lexi around, but she loves him almost as much as he loves her. Except when she's using him as a stepstool. Or he's getting drool all over her.

Good times.

Wherein I make cooking my bitch...

So a lot of my recent experiences with cooking have been negative, I must admit. But I'm here to tell you that the past two nights in a row I've managed to turn it around and make something that I was not only proud of, but that actually tasted alright too. Turns out the secret is ------

Casseroles!

Well, don't let me get too over-excited all at once. I know I've messed up casseroles too, so I won't say I've mastered them, but these two dishes turned out well.

1. Chicken casserole. This one didn't make me proud because it was fancy or anything. I got the recipe off the Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup can. Though I did give it a twist by adding some french cut green beans. I sort of melded the Campbell's recipe with a green bean casserole recipe on the back of the Safeway Beans can.

Ingredients : Chicken, Cream of Mushroom Soup (a Smith family tradition, by the way), 3/4 can of green beans, Salt, Pepper. Bake for 30 minutes, then add a little cheese and some french fried onions and you're good to go. Now that I think about it, not only was it my idea to add the green beans, I also added the salt and pepper and cheese. Campbell's must really want your dinner to turn out poorly if all they ask for is soup and chicken. That means I actually improvised, and won! Shiiittttttt yeah!

2. Beef Bourguignon. Ok, this one I'm pretty proud of. It was also in a casserole book, but it is more stew-like to me. Basically involves a bunch of half-decent ingredients (opposite of #1, above) that you cook on the stove top, then bake in the oven for 2 hours. Except that scenario wouldn't work out with my schedule today because I was minding the kids, so I went from the stove top to the slow cooker instead.

I just looked up beef bourguignon on Wikipedia and realized that my recipe was kind of boring compared to the traditional method of cooking, but I think I still got the idea correct. The main ingredient I had a problem with was the bouquet garni. The cookbook said you could find this at most grocery stores and I was looking amongst the spices, but after looking at a picture of it that I googled, I see this isn't something that comes in a bottle. It's basically a few different herbs tied together and tossed into the pot, then taken out before eating, like bay leaves. Oh well, now I know for next time.

Anyhoo, the main point to take away is that I cooked two things that turned out well. Maybe not exactly gourmet cooking, but it was nice to have them taste at least as well as I was expecting, if not better. What I really need to focus on now is side dishes. I usually get so carried away with one major recipe that by the time it's finished and ready to eat I realize I've forgotten to make anything to go with it. Apparently potato chips are not a side dish, though they do fill the rest of the plate quite nicely.

Going to California

Heading off on vacation for a week, so don't expect any updates. As if...

Brushes With Fame

Have you ever run across a famous person? I always hear others talking about star sightings they've had, but it never seems to happen to me. And with good reason...I don't expect to ever meet anybody I know, so I'm never really taking stock of those around me. I have had a couple of incidents, which I will now relate (in chronological order):

1. Billy Barty - This one I'm not even really sure about. I remember meeting a dwarf when I was a kid, and I think it was this guy.

2. Spider Man - Also as a kid. We went to the mall in Seattle where Spider Man was appearing at the local Nordstroms to sign autographed posters and take pictures. I was mega-excited, and I asked him some silly question, like does he sleep in a web-hammock. He was really nice but I think I got scared and wanted to leave really suddenly.

3. Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra - I was at a casino in Vegas during a college weekend getaway and everybody was moving to the side to let someone through, and it happened to be these two. Rodman had the leopard-print hairdo at the time and everybody was whispering his name. I'm glad they did or I wouldn't have recognized them.

4. Matt Damon/Bob Vila/Barbara Bush - These three supposedly shopped at the store I worked at in Boston, but I never saw any of them. Well, I saw the lady that was supposedly Barbara Bush, but I thought it was just some Grandma. Bob Vila bought a pan scrubber, and Matt Damon was eating lunch around the corner from the store. I walked along the sidewalk and saw some guy in a baseball hat, so I like to believe it was him.

That's pretty much it. My goal for 2008 is going to be to look for more famous people.

Rube

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The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

http://baconsalt.com/

I mean, seriously, what's better than bacon? Ham n' cheese mebbe, but otherwise not much.

The Score So Far:

Mark:2

Food Disasters: 43

I forgot to mention that with my Rachael Ray disaster, I also made an appetizing dish that was part of the recipe. Crostini topped with Manchego cheese that's been mixed with parsley and chopped roasted red pepper. Slice a baguette, broil the pieces for about 10 minutes until slightly brown, then mix together the ingredients in a bowl and put them on the browned toast. Then stick back in the broiler for another 5 minutes until melted. The cheese is pretty important, as I tried it again last night with Parmesan (that store didn't have Manchego) and the cheese was overpowered by the parsley.

Now a smarter man than myself would say, "Hmm, the recipe that only contained 4 ingredients turned out well, whereas the recipe with 11 ingredients was shit, what's going on here?". And that smarter man would have a point. I have no use for the smarter man. The Mrs. pretty much made that same point last week. I have a couple reasons for not wanting to use simple recipes.

1. I can still muck up a simple recipe. I know that if you follow the recipe exactly and are careful it should turn out fine, but I can still mess it up somehow.

2. If I mess up a simple recipe, I don't really have any excuse. If I mess up a complicated recipe, I can blame any number of factors--the instructions were unclear, my store didn't have the correct ingredients, or my usual excuse, I drank too much whiskey while cooking and everything just kind of fell apart.

3. On that one day where everything just comes together just right and I make the most heavenly morsels that you've ever eaten, then I'll be even prouder because it wasn't the easy recipe.

Don't bother pointing out how stupid my thinking is on this point...a smarter man (or Mrs.) has already told me. Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you ever want a homecooked meal, let her know.

Rachael Ray

I whipped up a dish from my new Rachael Ray cookbook last night. I'm not sure whether I love that woman or loathe her. My opinion seems to ping-pong back and forth depending on what day it is. Lately she's been bugging me by being everywhere at once, but because the Mrs. bought me a RR cookbook for my birthday, I felt like I should put it to use. So I picked out a soup recipe that had mostly ingredients that I like, though one that I don't (cooked spinach).

So I start by browning a 1/2 pound of chorizo. In the recipe it says I should quarter the chorizo lengthwise, then make thin slices from these. I don't know what chorizo she uses, but I couldn't cut that shit for all the tea in China. It didn't cut, it pulled apart into chunks. So instead of nice slices of chorizo it looked more like mashed brown stuff. This wasn't a good sign, though I later learned it's about the taste it adds to the dish, not necessarily the substance.

Then I cut up an onion and some garlic and cook it up. Then defrost the frozen spinach, add it to the onions and garlic, and puree the bastard in a blender. Our blender sucks the big one. It didn't puree anything but the bottom 1/5 of the mixture, so I had to stir, then puree. Repeat, oh, 10 times.

Put all this back in the pot, add some chicken broth, add some bite-sized chicken chunks, and let those cook in the soup. The result is baby-poo. With chicken.

Seriously, had she told me at the beginning that it was going to look like green baby crap, I probably would've just made grilled cheese and tomato soup. Mandy had already been home sick throwing up all day, but she gamely ate a few bites for me. I had to drink a beer first before I could try some. Luckily the accompaniment of crostini with manchego cheese mixed with parsley and roasted red peppers provided something solid to help the green shit go down.

I did take the leftovers to work today and ate while I read a book. This way I didn't have to look at what I was eating. And you wanna know something? It was pretty good! Even the spinach added to the dish, which is the least it could do, after giving it the sickly green finish. I know what you're thinking, couldn't you have left the spinach out? No, because one of the reasons I can't cook is because I often make detours from the main recipes and these turn out horribly, so I'm trying very hard to actually follow the instructions. But I think if I had just used a little less spinach and maybe some more broth the results would've been much more satisfying.

I don't think I'll make that again though.

Happy Birthday...

to my sister, Stephanie. She's not that old, but still two years older than I. She thinks she hasn't accomplished much in her life, but everybody who knows her begs to differ. Love you sis!

Designer Clothing and Idaho

Part of the awesomeness of my job is that I get to dress up each day for work. Dressing up might be a stretch, at least as far as imagining me not looking like a schmuck, but I have to wear button-down shirts and tuck them in, which definitely counts as dressing up in my book.

Lately I've been wondering about the fashion designers who create the looks I wear. The funny thing is, I don't really know who they are. I'm not talking about the Tommy Hilfigers, Hugo Bosses and Calvin Kleins...I'm wondering who David Taylor is, Van Heusen, and Hagar. You never see them on the style channel, never read about them in magazines or hear about their awesome fashion shows in Paris and Milan. But obviously they're real names of people who design clothes, aren't they?

And what's with these ultra-conservative types who rail against homosexuality then get caught in toilet stalls with their pants around their ankles? Jesus isn't going to save those guys.

The Historian and Kids

So I just got finished with a long ass book called The Historian. It's kind of about Dracula. It's about 860 pages about a historian who doesn't believe in Dracula but finds enough clues that the bad dude himself may be alive that he searches for him all over Europe, then maybe 40 pages of action that actually involve Dracula. That is not a good ratio, my friend. That's a lot of buildup, maybe a little too much background history, you might say. How about half the book is about the historian searching for Dracula, then the other half is Dracula beating his ass. Or maybe 1/3 is him not believing in Dracula, then 1/3 is him searching for Dracula, then 1/3 him getting beat down by Dracula. Except for like 1/16th at the very very end where he kills Dracula.

By the way, he does end up killing Dracula at the end. Or so you think...

Lexi can now climb over her baby gates. She just hops right over. Except for the one that's in the doorway of her room. I think she can do it but chooses not to when we're not looking, so she can spring it on us one day like when she learned to climb out of her crib. I expect I'll be getting out of the shower and she'll just be standing in our room, like, "Hey Dad, what's up?".

Tonight I was laying in bed with her for a few minutes and she was telling me what Joey says at Daycare. I couldn't understand her though, it was like, "Joey says fooboomafoo". I said, "Foomoobafoo?" and she said, "No, fooboomafoo". I tried again, "Foomoobafoo?" And she leaned over and pushed my head down onto the pillow and said, "Shut your eyes Daddy". Apparently I only get one try to understand what she's saying.

Bioshock and Tuna Fish

I've been playing a new game that came out this past week, Bioshock. It's gotten a lot of press lately and the first reviews were very positive. I'm normally not a fan of the genre that this game is in, but I played it for a few hours last night and it was really pretty awesome. It's kind of a first person shooter, but there's enough action mixed with puzzle type elements that it makes for a great game.

The graphics are great, especially the water. From the outset of the game, where you've survived a plane crash and you're swimming in the ocean near the downed jet and have to swim towards land, you're immersed in a gorgeous world that just takes over. The whole world they've created just draws you in and is done in such a great style that it kept me playing much longer than I normally would have for this type of game.

Anyway, the tuna fish thing...just found a great recipe the other day for tuna sandwiches without mayo...using lime juice, cilantro and scallions, it was a nice, light summery type of sandwich and hit the spot (though there was too a little too much cilantro).

If green means 25 mph then count me out...

I've never been in a Prius or other hybrid car. I rarely even notice them on the street. But this week I've had three (3 in one week!) encounters with the almighty Prius, all of them being almost exactly the same (only the colors were different).

Encounter one: I'm leaving the parking structure at work, last in a line of about 5 cars. When we get to the bottom I realize the lead car is a Prius going 10 miles an hour. I'm not needing to speed through parking structures, but even after we got out of the garage he continued at the same pace for about three more blocks. Worse yet was his license plate, "Oommpph". That's the sound his car made as he tried to get it into second gear to go the speed limit I guess.

Second encounter: Almost the same as the first, but this time I got from the parking structure to the street, and as soon as I turned onto the street, there was a Prius ahead of me going about 25 miles an hour (speed limit is 35 there). This guy apparently lives near me because I ended up following him nearly a mile, him going under the speed limit the whole time (though I suspect he sped up as soon as I turned onto my street).

Third encounter: Just driving down the street again, this time nowhere near work, and I get stuck behind another Prius owner that drives about 27 mph on a road that's 40. This is typical on this street, because the speed limit sign is hidden behind a tree so people never know that they can go quicker than this, but because this was my third slow Prius encounter in a week, I didn't give that little bastard the benefit of the doubt.

So what's the problem here? Do Prius owners just drive slow, or can the cars themselves not accelerate quickly? I don't really mind a leisurely pace now and again, but this just seemed too bizarre that each time it was a Prius.

Gyro mess

So I tried this great new recipe in Cook's Illustrated for homemade Gyros. At least it looked like a great recipe, until I followed it and it tasted like crap.

This is apparently where my lack of cooking skill tends to show itself most readily -- when I try to cook something.

Lex and I went to the grocery store and found all the ingredients. Lemon, garlic, onion, fresh herbs, ground lamb. All the stuff I wouldn't normally be able to fit in the cart because the Hot Pockets are taking up all the space, but since I was just getting stuff for this one recipe, I had no excuse.

Followed the recipe exactly. I do this to prove that it's not the recipe's fault, it's my own, when things don't turn out.

So I had to make a paste of all the ingredients, then add the paste to the ground lamb. Then form little balls (no jokes please), squish them into patties, and cook them in oil for a few minutes. They formed the requisite hard shell on each side, so with all systems go, I assembled the gyros: Tzatsiki, shredded lettus, Tomatoz and the homemade lamb patties.

Ugh. I had to thank the Mrs. for finishing hers. I ended up eating one and a half, but only because I was so hungry from making them. The patties were soggy in the middle and this totally ruined the gyros. Is it really just too much to ask for a restaurant that makes good gyros so I don't have to try making my own?

And to think that last week I wanted to try making Beef Wellington. Looks like I'm back to beans and weenies. Those I can't screw up.

Never Trust a Hippie

So I got my haircut today. I went to the same place I've been going for about 6 months now. I don't go often, once every 4-6 weeks. Each time I've had somebody different cut it, except for today, it was the same woman that cut it last month.

I thought she looked familiar, but I wasn't totally sure, so I didn't say anything right off. She started asking me how I liked it cut and I told her, but she seemed kind of strange about it. Last time she totally got it and I didn't have to go into as much detail. This is one reason I thought it was a different woman. I told her I wanted the sides shaved, like with clippers, and she said, "You mean bald?". Uh -- no, dumbshit, just short.

Once she started going though I totally knew it was the same person. I knew because she's a total stoner. She was like, "Man, I hate driving, it's like everybody's just got to share the road man." Meanwhile I've got my glasses in my lap so I can't actually see what she's doing to me. Maybe she is shaving me bald and I wouldn't notice. I did notice a lot of gray hair falling away.

She's really nice though, even if she is a hippie. She didn't wash my hair because she was the only one working and there was another guy waiting in line, but she did give me a little neck massage while wiping away the stray hair clippings from my neck, so I gave her a good tip.

I'll be back hippie chick. Hope you remember me next time.

Mail carriers aren't morning people

So I've always wondered who gets their mail in the morning. Only once in my life have I lived in a place where I got my mail before noon, and even then it occasionally arrived at 11.

I've always lumped mailmen in with paper carriers who get up early in the morning to start their deliveries. I don't think they're sorting their own mail, so what's the holdup? Is it proximity to the post office that determines what time you get your delivery? I have to admit, I've never tried living next to the post office so I haven't tested this.

In Seattle we were on the last part of the route, so we didn't get our mail until after 5 pm, sometimes 6 or 7 even. Here in Portland it's about 2.30. I see mail trucks driving around all day, so what's going on here? Are they stopping by the coffee shop to get enough caffeine in them so they can go deliver all the mail between 12 and 5?

And UPS guys aren't any different. I'm waiting on a package right now (which is what go me thinking about this topic). It's noon, and I'm leaving for work in 30 minutes, and I'm sure the package won't be here before I leave. Not that it's a big deal, just strange that I never seem to get early deliveries.

Another mystery of life...

Now we're cooking with gas...

Cooks are in these days, my mom-in-law said today. She's right, we're watching cooking shows left and right. Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, Rachel Ray (not much but sometimes I watch her). It's enough to make me wish I knew how to cook.

I can follow a recipe for the most part, but to be honest, even if I were to follow it to a T, it never turns out well. Which usually means that I end up winging it. This involves adding more salt and pepper and usually more cheese as well. If it's not a dish that calls for cheese then I might just add a little cheese, and if it has cheese in the recipe then I might just add a variety of cheeses to give it more cheesy goodness.

Now, I've had a couple successes in my life. In fact I had two in one week last month, I can't even remember what it was, but probably had something to do with pork chops and cheese. I find pork chops difficult to mess up. I think I made home-made mashed potatoes and some kind of green vegetable as well. Or maybe it was squash. Funny enough, being a picky eater as I am, I like a lot of vegetables that turn most people off.

One of my problems is that I love to drink when I'm cooking. I find cooking to be kind of like gambling in that I never know whether it's going to turn out well or not, so if I drink while cooking, then 1) I have an excuse for why it turned out poorly, and 2) the food is going to taste better if I'm a bit tipsy.

I just have to remember not to grate the cheese when I'm drunk. That always leads to trouble.

Movies

Now that I'm getting over being sick I'm going to post more. That was my Sick Time Resolution.

We watched 'Running With Scissors' last night. It made me sick it was so bad. I was puking and crapping my pants with righteous indignation for having wasted time of my life watching it. Don't watch it if you don't want to puke and/or crap your pants. It's a shame as I remember slightly the book being decent.

Tonight I watched Munich on HBO. I watched 2/3 of it at least, because I didn't realize it's a 3 hour movie. probably could've easily been boiled down to 2 hours, but the 2/3 of it I watched were pretty good and did not make me any sicker. In fact they probably helped dispel my sickness of the night before, because at this moment I'm feeling a little better now.

Sick Goals

Why is it that whenever I get sick I feel like it's time to renew my New Years Resolutions? It's like, I'm lying in bed, feeling horrible for whatever reason. Maybe the spicy chicken wings made me puke, maybe I got the stomach flu from the kids, whatever...but my mind automatically starts thinking, "If I weren't feeling so bad I'd be getting a lot of stuff done right now".

Which is absolute crap, I know, because if I weren't feeling so bad I'd probably be lying in bed, wishing I were sick so I could stay home.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my own father and all other fathers out there.

My own fathers day started last night with Lexi throwing up in her bed. We cleaned it up and let her sleep in our room, and she's probably thrown up about 10-15 times since then.

It's really horrible to have to watch her do that over and over again. Though now she seems to be pretty good at it and isn't surprised when it happens. And we got her a big red bowl to use, which she seems to like. Maybe I should paint a bulls-eye on the bottom of the bowl.

Ow, My Balls!

So there's this Japanese game show called Ninja Warrior that Mandy and I have been into a bit the past few weeks. In one segment, the contestants have to straddle a giant log and roll down a track while astride this log. One day we were watching it and I might've said something along the lines of, "Ow, my balls!".

A couple days later I flipped across the show again, and Lexi exclaimed, "Ow, my balls!". I think she thinks it's the name of the show. Though she kind of seems to know what it means because at daycare she kept spreading her doll's legs apart and slamming it to the floor and yelling, "Ow, my balls!".

We're really going to have to start watching our language one of these days.

Phone Spam

I hate answering the phone. But I hate marketers even worse, so I inevitably pick up the phone even when it says Unknown Caller. In fact, I usually only pick up the phone when it's an unknown caller. I'm an all-day sucker.

Lately it's been for some guy named Phillip Anderson. It doesn't matter that I tell them they have the wrong number, they just hang up and try back later. I swear the next time they ask for him I'm going to pretend I'm him and see what happens. I'm guessing they're bill collectors. I'm gonna tell them the check's in the mail and see if they believe me. I'll even describe the check, tell them what color it was, what kind of pen I used to fill it out, and tell them I put the stamp on upside down, because that means I love you. I wish Phillip Anderson would pay his goddam bills on time or at least update his phone number so I don't have to take care of his problems.

The last phone call I got was the local newspaper. I subscribe to the Sunday paper so I can look at all the pretty ads for the local stores. Most the time we don't even get around to reading the actual paper itself, we just like to check out the specials at Target and what have you. Ever few months though I get a call and they tell me they're going to give me the rest of the week's papers for free, for a year. One year of free daily newspapers just by paying 2 bucks a week for the Sunday paper. I'd say they're a bunch of idiots, but I really think they're a bunch of dimwitted fuckers. Because every time they call I tell them thank you for your offer but I don't even read the one paper each week that I currently get.

Last time they called I warned them of how serious I was. I told them I was thinking of unsubscribing even to my Sunday paper because their phone calls were getting annoying. I told them if I got another telephone call I would cancel my Sunday paper. It was quiet for awhile while they respected my wishes, but I guess they got bored and decided to invade my privacy again.

And the worst ones are the firefighter and police associations. I've been suckered into giving to these a few times. Usually just 5 bucks so they could take some kids to the Shriner's circus. What kid really wants to go to the Shriner's circus anyway? Most kids want to hang out behind the mall and smoke cigarettes with their friends. Next time I feel like donating on the phone I'm going to drive to the mall and search out some poor looking kids and give them 5 bucks. That should make both of our days.

Ow, my eye!

For the past year or so I've been troubled with an affliction involving my eye. I'll be sleeping and wake up suddenly in the middle of the night when my eye feels like someone's stabbing it with a burning poker.

I went to a doctor about it and he said it's called Corneal Erosion. This means that the top layer of my cornea sticks to my eyelid, and when I wake up, it rips that top layer like a flap of skin off my eye. It hurts for hours until that flap re-attaches itself to the eyeball.

Sounds nasty, doesn't it?

Well it is. I usually find myself doubled over in pain with my fist or an ice pack compressed into my eye socket to try to relieve the pain. I mention it because it happened again yesterday. I actually tried to go to work, I dropped the kids off and went in for a couple hours, but I'm pretty well useless (and shouldn't have been driving anyway), so I came home and went to bed.

Normally my head starts hurting and my vision in that eye is blurred, but it's always been better the next day. But today it's still blurry and even though my headache is gone, it always comes back after a few hours of this blurred vision.

I'm going to see a specialist this afternoon to find out if there's anything to be done to fix it.

Hot Pockets

I admit I have been eating Hot Pockets for many, many years now. This guy is hilariously right-on about the truth behind them.

By the way, if you get a chance to check out the Chicken Bakes from Costco, I heartily recommend them, they're wonderful.

What the heck is going on here?

Jesus loves me

To: Macsmith230

From: Jesus

Subject: Re

I got an email today from Jesus. I didn't read it since it was in my spam box, but it looks like he finally got around to answering me.

The problem is, I've forgotten what I wrote him about in the first place. I could have been e-viting him to my birthday party, or maybe it was forwarding the message about saving the children. In any case, it was nice of him to write back.

Best Job

Ok, may as well tell about my favorite job ever. I spent a summer working for Washington State University's Tree fruit research center in my hometown. It was totally awesome. Spent most the summer outside, often driving around in government cars with their bad paint jobs and am radios. I actually listened to a lot of Rush Limbaugh because I've never liked listening to Top 40 radio.

The worst job we did that summer was to spray the fruit trees with chemicals to test them out and see how effective they were at killing the pests. At first this wasn't so bad, because I just drove the truck slowly down the row of trees while someone else had to trail along spraying the trees. Then they got smart and taught me how to do the spraying. It's not that spraying was so bad, it's that you had to wear a jumpsuit (not the bad part) and big rubber boots and a big, floppy rubber hat and big ol' rubber gloves and a respirator, and it was usually 110 degrees out, while the driver got to sit up front in the air conditioned cab and listen to cds. I'm not sure why the spray truck got air conditioning and a cd player, but we didn't take it for granted.

It was mainly a group of college kids working there, so we sat around a lot and shot the shit while doing menial labor. One of the most boring jobs was to take a box of leaves we'd plucked from the test trees and run them through a little machine that had two brushes on it, which would brush off any tree pests onto a microscope slide, which we'd then count under a magnifying glass to see how many had survived the sprays.

Another job I had to do was to go into a test orchard and pluck little worms from the leaves there. These worms would get in the middle of a leaf and wrap the leaf around them, so I had to unwrap the leaf and put the worm into a container. I had to collect 200 of them so it took me several days to accomplish this task. Once I had my 200, I had to put each one in a little plastic cup with a lid and a few fresh leaves for them to eat. Over the summer we would do tests on these worms, so I had to make sure they had fresh leaves and then I'd have to clean out their little worm poop from their cups every couple days. These worms had a surprisingly large amount of poop coming out of them. After a few months they turned into moths and we pretty much killed them all with hazardous chemicals.

The very best part of the job was that sometimes I had to go out to the remote orchards to collect samples, so you'd grab a car and drive a couple hours with the windows down and a soda in your lap. Once you got to the orchard you didn't even have to leave the car. You'd just drive down the rows and pluck some leaves from the trees as you drove past. This was totally awesome and I'm not sure now why I didn't stick with this job.

Once we were done with all our tests and had our data compiled, the supervising bosses would write up their results and publish them so that the orchardists knew which sprays to put on their crops to kill the invasive pests. I know it's a long ways from the organic food which is getting to be popular these days, but I sure did love that job.

My worst job

I had one job that I worked for just one day because it was so horrible.

I was in college and my uncle offered to get me a job through a friend working for RPS, a delivery company similar to UPS. I was going to school at BYU and the job was in Salt Lake City, 45 minutes away. Somehow I thought that wouldn't pose a problem. The worst part about it was that the hours were from midnight to 7 am. Since I had just learned about No Doz and Mini Thins, I figured I could go to work, come home in time for classes, then sleep in the afternoon and start all over again.

On the night I was supposed to start my new job, there was a blizzard. Maybe not a full blown blizzard, but one of those where you're the only car on the road and the plows haven't come out yet and you're wondering what you're doing outside. I knew what I was doing, I was starting my new job! I left around 10.30 to make sure I'd make the 45 minute drive in time, and I got there just before midnight. I had a quick smoke, then went inside and introduced myself.

The rest of the night was so horrible. Basically they would back a semi truck up to a conveyor belt and unload the packages onto that. Delivery trucks were parked in rows on each side of the belt, and you were supposed to pull the packages that were on your truck's route. Except since I wasn't from there I didn't really know whether a package went on my truck or not, and the big information sheet they had posted near me didn't help much either.

I guess I was being trained, in that they explained to me what to do for 10 minutes then let me go. I had my own truck, and a woman came by every 15 minutes or so to see how I was doing. I was doing terribly. The inside of the truck was divided into six sections, then each section subdivided by 3. Once a section (or subsection) filled up, you weren't supposed to put the next packages in the nearest section, as you'd suppose, instead you were supposed to magically make the packages fit into their correct section that was already too full. Somehow this seemed pretty fucked up, because 5 of the sections were empty and only one section was getting packages and it was overflowing.

Anyway, this job sucked. And next time you're wondering why your package is broken, it's because those little bastards at the warehouse are throwing your shit around from one end to the other.